All week long, I live my life. Some days I spend a bit of time with God, others I devote completely to him. But when the weekend comes, all bets are off. I came to terms with myself for a while during the end of this weekend, around two thirty, Sunday Afternoon.
It got off to a good start... depending on what good is. It was fun at first. I was getting 'important' things done for at least what, five days, now? Friday was upon me at the exact same time it always was. But I didn't begin my weekend until 8 o'clock that morning. I stretched, cooked some eggs, dawdled around as always, and jumped in the car at a quarter to ten for my one and only class, Mammals of the Pacific Northwest. Throughout the only 50 minutes of school I have each week, I was itching with livid anticipation, and waiting impatiently for the big hand to reach the ten. I didn't even have any plans. I love my class, nevertheless, I definitely didn't care about it very much. All I knew was that when that big hand got to where it was supposed to be, I was free. It didn't matter how long. I wouldn't have any rules, anything to get done, I could do what I wanted. Which ended up being going home and cleaning the kitchen. Most of my friends had plans, and the ones I hadn't talked to undoubtedly did.
Except Daniel, Andrew and Bill.
Andrew and Bill arrived at my house shortly after I had finished cleaning every dish and countertop in the house, while taking in the brilliant melodies of Sigur Rós and Anathallo shuffling on my iPod. Andrew had brought the Xbox, and it was time to kill some zombies. I wasn't sure if I wanted in on this... maybe I should make them go home? They only live just down the street. And I could reflect on life and spend time with God and soak in the night after the sun goes away, since I'm not going to do anything productive? This thought zapped my head and it hurt for a moment, but only for a moment. I threw it aside, the poor thing laying there, forgotten in some dark corner of my mind, and invited them right in for tea and strumpets. Daniel arrived sometime between nine and ten p.m., and then the party really got started. Bill and Andrew are sleep hogs, so they hit the hay about midnight, too tired to kill one more zombie... this was much to my delight, seeing as there were only two controllers. With chai tea, an Xbox 360, ice cream, and very bloodshot eyes, Big D and I carried on through the wee hours of the morning, enjoying ourselves thoroughly. We decided to call it a day when we were overrun and killed for the last time at four-fifteen on the dot, and went to bed, falling asleep hard not two minutes later.
After four hours and fifteen minutes of some of the best sleep I've had since 'Nam, all of us were up and at 'em. I felt like Buddy the Elf... only I hadn't built a rocking horse, I had just spent way too much time playing video games. We made ourselves a beautiful breakfast -- eggs, pancakes, bacon, orange juice, coffee -- the works. We even cleaned the place spotless afterward, which is saying something for four 17-year-old guys. But the fun wasn't over yet; I drove us all to Snohomish to a tea shop, and then to my little sister's basketball game, and back home for more zombies. Daniel unfortunately had to leave at a quarter past three, and we all bade him a very fond farewell. "THIS is a good weekend!" He said excitedly, as he opened the back door. I nodded vigorously in agreement.
But why was it good? Because I feel fat, lazy and completely worthless now? The moment Daniel left, that thought crawled back, the one I had so carelessly disregarded earlier. I always have an image in my mind of what the weekend will be like, and unfortunately, it never lives up to my expectations. I resort to badgering my family and driving them up the walls, and at some point, hating myself for a while. I felt like that for most of Sunday, but around two thirty, I couldn't stand it anymore. At just the right time, a swift clutch of wisdom employed me. Even though I ran that 3 miles Saturday evening, and read another 2 chapters in Acts, and went to bed early, and did my laundry, I realized two things; that I definitely have too much time on my hands, and that it drove me crazy on the weekends. I stood frozen in my room, looking myself up and down via the indistinct reflection in my window. It was decidedly time to clean the bathroom, and then... take myself to the movies? Yes, I took myself to the movies. I saw a movie that was all about death, which I will probably write about later.
To make a long story short, I love God and I want Him to be more important than anything else that happens in my life. That's what it all boils down to.
P.S. If you have any questions or any suggestions as to how I can make my life more worthwhile, or if you just want to hang out, feel free to contact me.
I like your blog. Your brain is funny.
ReplyDeleteI think you inherited a squirrely brain from me (and you mom too). Here's a thought about trying to put God first, or whatever.
ReplyDeleteI just talked to a friend at work, a guy I haven't spoken to for any length of time, in ages. He was on a smoke break so I just hung out with him while he smoked a couple of cigarettes. I listened to him tell me about a trip he's taking Tuesday to Israle and Egypt.
We also talked about our journeys with God. I said something to the effect of "I'm tyring real heard to live a life the reflects God more..."
He said something like, "Yeah, and try as we might, we can't live the truth of Christianity any faster than God matures."
I think there's a huge element of truth to that. Jesus compared our hearts to soil on which seeds are planted. You can keep sowing good seeds, you can weed the soil of your heart, resisting the enemy and your own flesh (which is hard and confusing at times) but you can't force growth.
We live in a fastfood world. Instant everything. But that's our culture and the time we live in. We know that fast food is not real food. Real food, we have observed, takes time to grow and constant nurture. Our hearts are the same. There's seasons. Constant nurture by God and our cooperation and willingness with Him.
So, it sounds to me like you're on the right track. The fact that you're blogging about this stuff in such an open and honest way is evidence that you want to cooperate with God with your life. I like what you've said here.
Thanks. I believe what your friend said is an interesting thought. I never thought of it like that... living the truth of christianity. I get really intense with God for a week or two, and I have a weekend like the one I wrote about, or I just get distracted with something that leads me off track, and it's like meeting someone all over again, or saying hi to a friend at school that you stood up because you found something more fun to do.
ReplyDeleteI think it's about that thing they call "abiding". That no matter what you do, whether you are being purposeful in your pursuit of God, like reading your bible or praying, OR that you are with your friends having fun, overall, your relationship with him is most important. So when you treat your friends with kindness, you don't gossip, you take your thoughts to God about challenges, you are putting him first. It's a journey, not a race. Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint.
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